2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
