so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
