oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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