Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
