I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
