Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
