I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
someone owes me an orgasm
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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