I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
