so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
