I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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