Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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