I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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