I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
