Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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