I think i peed on brittanys purse
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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