That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
