last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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