help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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