I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm just crazy horny about you
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
