boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
