Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
