I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
