So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
