true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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