I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
