what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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