I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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