I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
