I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
