next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
