Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
