I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
