I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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