My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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