So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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