i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
