I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
