Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
