I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
