I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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