pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
