I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
