I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
