Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
