I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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