when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You made out with two different species that night
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
