Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
