i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
