On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just found puke in my bra..
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
