I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
