I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
