I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
