Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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