Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Text me some of your sweat
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