sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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